6 years ago.....

6 years ago at this time was a life changing moment for me. The moment that really showed me that Heavenly Father does listen, he does care, and he knows what is best for me. 6 years ago at this time I was really having trouble being at BYU as a freshman. Let's face it, Utah is just a totally different world from any other place. In South Carolina I had lots of friends, I got lots of attention from guys, I had great confidence in my self and my abilities and I was so excited to be in a placed like BYU where I would be surrounded by LDS guys for once. There were no LDS guys to date where I grew up, or at least any good caliber LDS guys. I was so excited for the prospect of dating a really great LDS guy, like my brothers. Alas, I came to BYU, and completely went unnoticed. The girls who seemed to get the attention were blonde, stick skinny, ditzy, and were mainly from Cali. I did develop a close knit circle of friends, but my confidence was fading rapidly. I began questioning what kind of a person I was. Why wasn't I as bubbly and confident? Where were all these LDS guys that should be asking me out? I'm a great catch!! I'm super funny, witty, nice, cute, and I have a testimony, whats not to like?

Meanwhile, I was missing home. I hungered after that feeling of being wanted, of being a part of something. There was a guy (isn't it always about a guy?) who wasn't LDS who I had dated on and off through out High School who I really cared about, and thought that I loved. I had closed the door on us because I knew I needed a guy who was a worthy member. However, the less I was noticed, the more I gravitated toward the idea of being with a non LDS guy. I was treated way better, I was adored, and he really wasn't that bad. Eventually we had a conversation about me possibly moving to CO to go to school and to be closer with him (he was moving there to train at the Olympic Training Center) the idea was getting more and more tempting. I mean, my parents couldn't do anything about it, I was of legal age. I could transfer and go to school there, and I could be with someone who actually liked me.

Then came my moment. I remember fasting and praying, no, pleading with Heavenly Father to please show me the benefit of being with an LDS guy, a worthy priesthood holder, because I didn't see the point. The LDS boys I was around were rude and thought the girls needed to chase them, and being from the South, thats just not how it is. I needed to see a man who was respectful, loving, and loved the Lord. I remember being really concerned for my future. I really wanted a temple marriage, but I felt like it would never happen at the rate I was going. Then came the most amazing blessing in my life. Ryan and I reconnected.

Yes it was through an old mutual friend. But I found him. My saving grace, my special gift from God. We reconnected shortly after Thanksgiving that year,( I had known Ryan since I was 11 but lost contact with him when I was 15) shortly after he got home from his mission. We connected on so many levels. He matched me in every way. I looked forward to talking to him every day. He helped me find myself again. My confidence, my "zest". He was also struggling, being a new returned missionary and dealing with family issues. We needed each other. A few weeks later I realized Ryan Costner was the kind of man I wanted to marry, that good priesthood holders did exist, and on New Years Eve 2003, I knew Ryan Costner would be the man that I would marry.

This time of year always makes me reflect on how grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father who listened to the pathetic prayer of a 19 year old girl who was lonely. Ryan was my Thanksgiving miracle that year, and he has continued to be the greatest blessing in my life besides my Savior.

Always remember to pray, about anything and everything. He does listen, and sometimes he even acts quickly for us no matter how pathetic our problem may seem.

Growing up toooo fast!!

Who told Hailey that she can start being a big girl? Just the other day I hear Hailey playing with some toys, and she counted to 3 all by herself...and I thought, wow, that's the first time I have heard her do that, so then I decided to see how far she could count, so I would say a number, and then she would follow. She ended up counting to 13 all by herself!! How did this happen? She is getting so big, so fast now. So I am excited to have another baby again, because I miss my round faced, happy, beautiful baby girl.

70 degrees in November?!?!?!

We had a GREAT weekend. The weather has been slightly confused all week, it was near the 70's on SAturday, Ryan even wore shorts! It was perfect weather for some fun at the duck pond at BYU.






Hailey thought the leaves were pretty great too!

Halloween!!

Despite having been sick this week, we ended up having a great Halloween. It was so much more fun this year since Hailey can walk and say "trick or treat". Hailey went as a super cute cow, and Ryan and I had political based costumes. Ryan's was a big quarter and around it said "Real change you can believe in" and mine was a "nobel peace prize nominee" and on the back it had the reasons why I should be given a Nobel Peace Prize. It was pretty hilarious, and we actually won most original costume! With Hailey we hung a sign around her neck that said "Eat mor chikin" just like the Chick-Fil-A cow, so we went to the mall for trick or treating and when we went by Chick-Fil-A they gave us extra coupons and took Hailey's pic to put up on the wall! We went to my Grandma's and our good friend Erica's for trick or treating, then hit up the mall, then went to the ward party. Just a few things I need to say about our Mall experience.....First of all, there are lines for a reason, and just because you speak spanish and have a stroller, does not give you the right to skip all of us parents with out patient kids!! Secondly, mothers should not be wearing the slutty costumes at the mall for kids trick or treating....Ryan said these mom's were going as "easy" for HAlloween, I would definitely agree. It was pretty frustrating seeing all these slutty moms with kids in tow.

The ward party was a lot of fun, we had dinner and lots of games for the kids. Hailey loved the pumpkin bowling. Here are some pics for your enjoyment!! Also, we are having another GIRL!!!! HEr name will be Lyla Grace Costner. We are very excited to have another little girl especially since it saves us so much money.

Motherhood

Me and a friend of mine were talking today, and one of our topics was, why do we become mothers repeatedly? I mean, why do we not just stop at one? What is it about being a mother that makes you want another one? Do we forget about those 2 a.m. feeding times? The sore nipples? The engorged breasts? Nursing. The incessant crying? The lack of adult conversation? the lack of a vavoom body anymore? the messes, the alone time, the "woman" time, being able to get ready, all the WAY ready. And not to mention that we never get a "thank you" or an "employee of the month" award. Mothers don't get raises,break times, lunch breaks, or get to "clock in" and "clock out" after our day is over. The house is never clean enough, the laundry is never caught up, dinner is never quite all put together the way we would want it, we are never put together all the way we would want it, our child has never learned all that we would want them to learn in that day, we never cuddle them enough as we would want to, we always feel like we have fallen short at some thing by the end of the day, and no one else is there to finish it up for you. You just start even more behind the next day. Where is the validation for what we do? Or is that just a test of motherhood? That we are so selfless, we don't need the validation, because it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, just what Heavenly Father thinks. And only he knows our hearts and our intentions. Is that it? I think there should be a Mother's Day every month! I think atleast once a month we deserve to hear that we are doing a great work and it doesn't matter if the house is cluttered, the dishes aren't done, and dinner is potstickers from Costco. We work just as hard as working mothers, if not harder.

I guess when it all comes down to it, we do it for them, our beautiful children. The empty place in our soul, because we know there is another spirit that is supposed to join our family. For that amazing minute when we push as hard as we can, we don't think we can do anything more, and then the spirit takes over and helps you get that baby into this world, and then the cry. The first cry. You can't help but feel overwhelmed by God's love at that moment. And you look at them, and they know you, there is no doubt that he/she is yours. I guess that minute alone is enough. But then HEavenly FAther gives you other tender mercies. The "hold me" the snuggle time, the kisses, hugs, nosies, smiles, coos, laughter, and the look that they get when they see you when they wake up. Our hearts as mothers just melt in their little hands. I guess that, for now, is all the validation I need.

I know I know....

So I haven't posted in more than a month........have you missed me? I have been puking, cleaning, shopping, hanging out with friends, and of course taking care of Hailey. But, I'm back!!! I am finally beginning to feel semi "normal" now that i'm 16 weeks along. I'm only getting sick every other day, which is a nice break from the every day norm that I endured for 9 solid weeks. I have had EXTRAORDINARY people around me bringing me meals, forcing me to get out of the house, offering to watch Hailey, and just calling to check on me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! You know who you are!!

A few weeks ago we took Hailey to farm country at Thanksgiving Point and she of course LOVED it! Too bad our camera went dead after 5 minutes...boo....So here are a few pics (mainly for Therese my mother in law who hasn't seen any recent pics of Hailey in months) This is for you!

Changes.....

So, as most of you already know, Ryan did not get into USC for Dental School. This has been quite the blow to us as we have felt so strongly to go down this path. I know some people who just pick a career and go with it, with out giving it much thought. But we have put so much prayer and fasting into this, and so have our families and friends. We felt so sure that we were getting we had packed up half of our apt, and even sold a lot of our furniture. However, the interesting part is that I haven't been all that upset. I feel very calm and at peace with it. I thank Heavenly Father for that, usually I'm quite spastic when it comes to this kind of stuff. I have learned a few things while going through this now 2 year experience of rejection

1.) Heavenly Father is a LOVING God. It's not like he sits up there watching us suffer as entertainment. Of course he wants us to be happy, but you have to taste the bitter before you can taste the sweet.

2.) no matter how hard we pray, fast, and have faith for something to work out, regardless sometimes HEavenly FAther just wants us to go through certain things. It is to make us grow, rely on him, and ultimately make us better and more like Heavenly FAther. So it doesn't mean we didn't do enough or "if only" it is going to happen whether we like it or not. Loved ones are taken from us, we don't get into school, we lose jobs, we can't bear children, we can't get married, etc. IT's not that you weren't worthy of that blessing, it is just a test that Heavenly FAther wants you to go through. No matter how crappy and horrible it is.

3.) Sometimes the biggest part of the test, is not how we jump from it, but how we deal with it in the moment. Do we forget God? Do we still thank him for all the good he has blessed us with? do we still attend our church meetings and go to the temple regularly?

4.) There is no rule that says you need to have a career and a home and be "settled" at a certain age. However, learning is an eternal principle, and learning is always a good thing.

5.) Perserverence is key, just keep going. How easy would it have been for the pioneers to just stop in Nebraska and say "you know what? This just isn't worth it! Where is this wonderful valley? I'm just staying here!" No, they kept going. And even though they literally sacrificed the entire journey when they finally arrived at the valley, they still had so many more challenges to come. Can you imagine seeing the valley and this huge lake and thinking "This is great, endless water supply!" only to find out it is good for nothing except stinking up the valley because it is so salty.

6.) of course we are allowed our moment to grieve and be upset about the situation, but we need to pick ourselves up pretty quick before Satan can get a hold of us and begin stirring up really bad feelings and thoughts in our head.

As of now, Ryan isn't sure what he wants to do. The nice thing is that we have a lot of options with a BAchelors in Biology there are a lot of Masters programs he can do, or he can do Physical Therapy, or apply a third time to Dental School. At least he has a good job currently and he can just work and focus on what he wants to do, with no school work interrupting him. Right now we are looking for a place to rent so if you know of anything, let us know!! We need to get out of the student ward and have a fresh start ( and I need a washer and dryer). I'm actually ok living in Utah for awhile longer, I'm comfortable here, and besides I love my Doctor and I am so excited I get to deliver at Orem Community again, I had such a great experience there! I have a lot of family here too so I'm happy I get to spend a little more time with them. Thank you for all the prayers, support, and friendship. We are so grateful for it and we love you all so much.